tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13671439040467566972024-03-18T20:33:52.262-07:00Two-Edged GiftThe tendency of this or that novelist...may represent suffering as wholly bad in its effects...And, of course, pain, like pleasure, can be so received: all that is given to a creature with free will must be two-edged, not by the nature of the giver or of the gift, but by the nature of the recipient. - C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Painnot a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-45948166180856430292016-06-14T07:23:00.003-07:002016-06-14T07:23:48.047-07:00A Psalm for Contentment<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WZHG8GFmYhQ" width="560"></iframe>not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-63779049130892016412016-06-10T06:30:00.003-07:002016-06-10T06:30:52.203-07:00Infertility Mind Games<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioLvfPTy2Wkcn72ftBHFadWi2AhcnDIoe_VCIzvVNqWtIKzdiYxZmZLcP7E2A-6IzXeT5Btk6LfUWvqmdMbBLBZkngAqiAtnzd42YsDEAiAamlhAnnCCxHCbxSwcwq_HfjvGyraMFkbm4/s1600/SurvivedAnnouncement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioLvfPTy2Wkcn72ftBHFadWi2AhcnDIoe_VCIzvVNqWtIKzdiYxZmZLcP7E2A-6IzXeT5Btk6LfUWvqmdMbBLBZkngAqiAtnzd42YsDEAiAamlhAnnCCxHCbxSwcwq_HfjvGyraMFkbm4/s320/SurvivedAnnouncement.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Infertility can drive a person mad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Did I take all my meds today?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Is my mucus good quality?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Are we having sex often enough?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Is this feeling like a chore?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Are we having sex too often?!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Choking down 14 pills</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Did I chart this correctly?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Feeling: this is our cycle!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Counting, counting, counting the days</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Surviving a pregnancy announcement</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wondering: is my diet holding me back?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Certain Saint's Feast Day: yes, a sign
that this is our cycle!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wondering: is this coffee delaying
conception?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Berating: why can't I just stop eating
carbs and drinking coffee?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Deflated: this is not our cycle</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Using sick time to get blood tested</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Surviving another pregnancy
announcement</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not hoping</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Day before period begins: hoping</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cycle Day 1: furious with self for
hoping</span></div>
not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-40560233683727095472016-05-03T11:33:00.000-07:002016-06-10T06:33:33.155-07:00Thoughts This Week<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Last Thursday, I took a pregnancy test because I could not stand the wait any longer. The need to know started drumming in my soul so loudly I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Who cared what I needed to do at work, what we should eat for dinner? I needed to know.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It said not pregnant. That was about 2 days before my period would start.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And, because with my first and only pregnancy, I'd taken a test and received a negative result, my mind still hoped, "Well, this could be wrong. Its been wrong before." My husband said the same thing, without any prompting.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On Saturday, my period started. Hopes dashed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This Thursday is the due date of my little one in Heaven. I feel so strange and alone without her this week, even though it has been so many months since she was with us. Little one, I miss you. I wonder if you will be our only child; you are so far away, and I don't know how I will bear it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As month after month of trying goes by, my belief that we will one day have a living child wanes. The idea becomes so foreign. Me, a mother with a living child? What would I do with him or her? Just three years ago I used to dream of having a big family...now, imagine me having six children! I have to laugh. As if I could have one. As if maternity and me belong in the same sentence.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Despite this waning of belief, despite the foreignness of motherhood, I still long for a child. To be a mother is all I ever wanted in life. I have no career ambitions; I find no solace in work. I don't know what to do with myself. My existential crisis thanks to infertility.</span></div>
not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-75843589226976452032016-04-22T08:56:00.004-07:002016-04-22T08:57:28.796-07:00Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach with Jean Dimech-Juchniewicz<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iPLpeIdT-S4" width="560"></iframe><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jean gives a wonderful explanation of the struggles Catholics dealing with infertility experience. She seems like a kindred spirit!</span>not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-39037201781552680852016-03-11T16:01:00.000-08:002016-03-11T16:01:25.761-08:00Downton Downer {Spoiler Alert}<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The series finale of Downton Abbey had me in tears. Happy tears, at first. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A kind, loving, wealthy husband for Edith.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A child for Anna and Bates.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Personal growth and a growing family with her new husband for Mary.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All good, beautiful things.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that night as I lay in bed, I couldn't fall asleep. How nice to have a series finale that gave these characters, who have all suffered greatly at times, their happy endings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Would we have loved the finale as much if they hadn't? Or would we have felt discontent, robbed of something?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I thought of my dearest friend who prays faithfully to meet her husband. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I thought of a different friend who suffered multiple miscarriages. Will they get the ending we're all hoping for?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Maybe yes, maybe no. The future is frustratingly unforeseeable. Is that why we enjoy television and movies so much? Because through them, we can experience the finales that we all long for?</span><br />
not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1367143904046756697.post-43410276218193183792016-03-08T06:35:00.000-08:002016-03-08T06:35:05.873-08:00The Fiercest Fight of My Life<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The tendency of this or that novelist...may represent suffering as wholly bad in its effects...And, of course, pain, like pleasure, can be so received: all that is given to a creature with free will must be two-edged, not by the nature of the giver or of the gift, but by the nature of the recipient. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- C.S. Lewis, <i>The Problem of Pain</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The experiences of infertility and miscarriage have been the hardest, most painful experiences in my life. I'm starting this blog as a place to put all the thoughts that keep me up at night, to help lessen the pain in my chest that no echo-cardiogram or stress test can find reason for, to provide a safe spot for someone else going through these situations, and as a gentle challenge to the Catholic community to become more sensitive and aware of couples carrying this cross.</span></div>
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Unfortunately, I can't promise this blog will be theologically dense or holy. My faith has suffered greatly. Most of the time the only prayer I can muster is, "<i>I do believe; help my unbelief!</i>" (Mark 9: 24)</div>
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There have been times when these experiences have tempted me to bitterness. To rage. To envy. It's the fiercest fight of my life to not be all three. How can I accept this pain and experience it as something not "wholly bad in its effects?" How do you do this in your own life?</div>
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Please journey with me. Having a companion makes the road much easier.</div>
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not a minx, a moron, or a parasitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799393593685552159noreply@blogger.com0