Downton Downer {Spoiler Alert}

The series finale of Downton Abbey had me in tears.  Happy tears, at first.  

A kind, loving, wealthy husband for Edith.

A child for Anna and Bates.

Personal growth and a growing family with her new husband for Mary.

All good, beautiful things.

But that night as I lay in bed, I couldn't fall asleep.  How nice to have a series finale that gave these characters, who have all suffered greatly at times, their happy endings.  

Would we have loved the finale as much if they hadn't?  Or would we have felt discontent, robbed of something?

I thought of my dearest friend who prays faithfully to meet her husband.  I thought of a different friend who suffered multiple miscarriages.  Will they get the ending we're all hoping for?

Maybe yes, maybe no.  The future is frustratingly unforeseeable.  Is that why we enjoy television and movies so much?  Because through them, we can experience the finales that we all long for?

The Fiercest Fight of My Life

The tendency of this or that novelist...may represent suffering as wholly bad in its effects...And, of course, pain, like pleasure, can be so received: all that is given to a creature with free will must be two-edged, not by the nature of the giver or of the gift, but by the nature of the recipient. 
- C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

The experiences of infertility and miscarriage have been the hardest, most painful experiences in my life.  I'm starting this blog as a place to put all the thoughts that keep me up at night, to help lessen the pain in my chest that no echo-cardiogram or stress test can find reason for, to provide a safe spot for someone else going through these situations, and as a gentle challenge to the Catholic community to become more sensitive and aware of couples carrying this cross.

Unfortunately, I can't promise this blog will be theologically dense or holy.  My faith has suffered greatly.  Most of the time the only prayer I can muster is, "I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9: 24)

There have been times when these experiences have tempted me to bitterness.  To rage.  To envy.  It's the fiercest fight of my life to not be all three.  How can I accept this pain and experience it as something not "wholly bad in its effects?"  How do you do this in your own life?

Please journey with me.  Having a companion makes the road much easier.